Posted on: May 18, 2020 Posted by: Greejatus Comments: 0

….which may anger the clerics.

Every now and then an item passes through the commons which is sure to set the pulse racing. This week, we’ve been treated to a few, with the latest seeing Labour Shadow Defence Secretary, Stalin1953, coming out in favour of the despotic Iranian regime. Here at the Spectator, we think it is the responsible thing to do to provide you, dear reader, with a cheat sheet for your next Twitter Debate, just in case you fancy getting in the good books of the Ayatollah (just in case), so – here are then things to say, to help you bluff your way through the Iran debate:

  •  I do not think the Middle East wants any more intervention from the West.

    If in doubt, mentioned the West’s intervention in the Middle East. Firstly, it’s complex and not many people at the BBQ/Dinner Party/Cocktail Evening will understand it, so you are already a few steps ahead. Secondly, you can always allude to the Iraq War, and big evil oil companies, depending on how good your friends’ middle eastern geography is.

  •  Because we always insult them.

    Let he who is without illegally gained Nuclear Warhead, cast the first stone – as the saying goes. You see the bigger picture, you’re a citizen of the world, not the UK, so lob this one out there, and hope nobody lobs one back.

  •  Because we backed Iraq in the Iran-Iraq War.

    Look, we don’t care about the fact you backed a genocidal despot. We care about the fact you backed that genocidal despot over the one we wanted you to!

  •  Frankly, we also have our own share of human rights abuses.

    You’ve watched Panorama, you’ve subscribed to the Vice media YouTube, and cutting free school meals is basically the same as genocide – so why not chuck this one into the mix?

  •  We’ve betrayed almost 800 years of goodwill in 40 years, thanks to the US

    And as we know, nothing good comes from being the 51st state, does it?

  •  B-But Mossadegh!

    Listen, it might be 67 years ago and everyone involved with that policy decision may be dead, but it’s completely irrational to expect an Iranian regime much more fundamentalist than the one we overthrew to hold up the person whose removal we backed as a bastion of Iranian ethos. 

  •  Iranian conservatives have never said “Death to the UK”, you know.

    You know how I called us the 51st state earlier? Yeah, we’re not that. We’re a fully autonomous state and Iran would never want to cause us harm! 

  •  No one should have a monopoly over nuclear weapons.

    All Iran is doing is looking after itself, not backing up its desire to wipe Israel off the map. Holding only a nuke is a sign of peace, and as a socialist yourself, you understand that it would be better to distribute the nukes equally, rather than have a monopoly.

  •  Iranians are too busy trying to befriend the people of this country to spend five years building a SINGLE nuclear bomb.

    Just look at how happily the Ayatollah shakes the Prime Minister’s hand!

  • I think we need to condemn Salman Rushdie, actually.

M: Thanks to Trev for co-authoring this item.

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Lord Salisbury is a member of the House of Lords, wherein he sits as a member of the Libertarian Party of the United Kingdom.